Emotions that bother us
Why are they born in us, what is hidden behind them and how to get rid of them?
“All my life I was sure that I did not know how to envy. And in vain! My friend Ksenia's uncle, the father’s brother, gave money to buy an apartment in the capital. It was an astronomical sum. In general, Ksenia was looking for her living space for a long time and, finally, found it - in the center of Moscow. On the day of registration of the apartment in the property, a friend called all friends to visit her ...
After a party at which champagne flowed like water, my friends and I went home. On the way, I began to criticize this apartment. I proved to my friends for a long and tedious time, but first of all, of course, to myself, why I am so categorical in assessing "this ruined junk." I was even able to give some arguments then, which today I can’t even remember. But after some time, I realized that that evening I was possessed by real unrivaled envy. In fact, I wanted to become the mistress of these square meters. Still, this is a destructive feeling for weak self-esteem. After all, the problem was in me. Trying to realize my true feelings, I suddenly came to the conclusion that it makes no sense to dream of such an uncle and such an apartment and wait for their appearance too. A lot is in our hands. ” Marina, 39 years old
How does envy begin?
The roots are in the relationship between mother and baby.
Our early experiences associated with our own helplessness and the role of our mother are responsible for how much we will feel envy when we mature. “It depends on how the mother will look after the baby, which depends entirely on her,” explains psychoanalytic psychotherapist Irina Zemtseva. “After all, the difference between a tiny child and an adult is enormous: mother can do anything, and he can do nothing, it is from such experiences of his helplessness that our envy of an omnipotent mother is born.”
Moreover, envy can strengthen the behavior of the mother. “If she behaves in a greedy way, she does not share her material abilities with the child,” the psychotherapist continues. - Say, my daughter asks: "Buy a doll." And mother answers: “Why? You have a lot of them". And after that she buys herself a new dress. And the girl understands: "I myself can’t buy anything myself, because the fulfillment of my desire depends on my mother, and she, as a queen, can afford everything."
How to recognize her?
It is difficult to admit to this feeling, because it is considered a negative quality.
It is often unbearable for us to even assume that we can envy someone. “And during psychotherapy, it’s hard for people to talk about these experiences,” says Irina Zemtseva. “The power of this feeling is destructive, it is recognized as bad, disgusting, deserving of punishment.” Therefore, we tend not to notice it or find its manifestation in others, but not in ourselves.
«The first a symptom is when we depreciate another person, his achievements, for example, a new apartment, while coming up with more and more arguments, finding defects that confirm our conclusion, ”says Irina Zemtseva. -Second: we want to get rid of this feeling, so we are unconsciously looking for someone who will experience it in our place. Thus, we see the manifestation of this experience in another, thereby transmitting our envy to him and starting to correct it.
Third a signal of envy - we talk and think a lot that another person has undeservedly got what we really envy. ”
How to cope with envy?
Understand what we envy. And learn to appreciate what we have.
This negative experience is a sign for us: the value attitude towards ourselves is violated. “If you give this emotion a word, it will explain to the person who is experiencing it that it is bad,” says narrative psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak. “Because he does not have what his friend or colleague, whom he envies, owns.”
“This may be called low self-esteem, which provokes us to envy. And this idea of his badness is completely pointless, irrational and unproven. ”
“The simplest and at the same time the most difficult thing is to relax, let go of these thoughts and what is hidden behind them,” advises Yekaterina Zhornyak. “Try to stop thinking that we are bad and lack something to feel good.”
First step to get rid of envy - try to realize, understand these emotions. “We idealize the achievements of the other and thereby belittle our own,” says Irina Zemtseva. For example, we envy a friend - she has an apartment in the center. Does this mean that everyone who lives in the Central District of the capital, special people? How are they good? And why does this fact make us feel small and insignificant?
Next moment - deal with what we have, what we earned ourselves. “Ask yourself: what is good in me? - continues the therapist. “By answering it, we can reduce the distance to the real situation.” So we realize that we can live quite happily in our apartment with our family.
What is jealousy
“I am Othello in a skirt, my husband says about me. I was terribly jealous and always was like that, even in childhood I was terribly angry when my girlfriend was whispering with another girl. I saw this as a threat to our friendship.
Later, when the future husband looked after me, I plagued him with bouts of bad mood. The reason for which, as I understood later, was that I was jealous of him ... for work, friends and previous loves. I did not want to share it with other people and affairs. I was angry when my friends flirted with my spouse. At one time I had suspicions that he had an affair. I suffered, imagining how he gives her flowers and leads to my favorite restaurant ...
I even had to turn to a psychotherapist to get rid of a feeling of jealousy. I could not do this to the end, but now I can recognize when I will have another “attack” and take action. ” Ksenia, 41 years old
How does jealousy originate?
Its origins are in the relationship between the child and the parents.
We get acquainted with this strong experience in childhood, when we have an understanding that mom has a dad (and vice versa) and each of them cannot belong to us completely. Let's say mom reads a book to her little son or daughter, and then dad comes home from work, and mom leaves for the kitchen to warm up dinner.
“After all, what is jealousy? When someone third appears in the life of a child, for example, a dad who takes his mother from him, he (the child) begins to hate him for this, ”explains Irina Zemtseva. “The child thinks:“ My favorite object (mother) does not belong to me, it leaves me, ”and begins to hate both parents.” This is a strong, destructive feeling in which, like envy, there is a lot of anger.
In some situations, jealousy breaks down, including jealousy ... for oneself. It is about when a wife, for example, suspects her husband that he has another woman. “But provided that in the life of a jealous woman there should be an experience of a happy relationship with her husband,” adds Irina Zemtseva. “She will imagine a rival in her role in that good period, envy her, and in fact, herself.” A woman has a fear that her husband will love another just as he once loved her. This is the essence of jealousy.
“Jealousy arises in those moments when we feel inferior without the person we love,” says narrative psychotherapist Catherine Zhornyak. “We are beginning to believe that if they take him away from us, without him we will be bad, worthless.”
How to recognize jealousy?
Anger and hatred are markers of jealousy.
It is not difficult for us to recognize this complex emotion. “The desire that the beloved belongs only to us, we want to take possession of him completely,” says psychoanalytic psychotherapist Irina Zemtseva. “And he should have neither work, nor good memories of the past and no dreams of the future, in which we are not.” If we have a strong desire to destroy the third that prevents us from feeling happy with our husband, we try to control his every step, you know, this is a heavy tread of jealousy. ”
How to get rid of jealousy
Have fun in the absence of a husband.
Jealous women should exhale and look around. Obviously, in their life there is the third thing that they can occupy themselves with, which will distract them from the pangs of jealousy. Getting rid of these painful experiences is not easy, but you should try. “We must remember that there are times when it is the husband who is the third who can interfere with us,” says Irina Zemtseva. “Sometimes I want to be alone, read a book or surf the Internet, another question is how much we are able to maintain this balance by creating our own triangle.”
By the way, my mother behaves in the same way when she distracts the child from some dangerous enterprise. Exactly the same strategy should be with us - it is important to learn how to distract and entertain your inner baby.
“I can explode with anger and in a fit of anger quarrel with those people who had nothing to do with his cause. I get angry when I’m jealous of a husband with whom other women flirt. I get angry when I envy a friend whose husband gave me a new foreign car. I catch myself starting to boil in moments when another person is being unjustly wronged with me. Or rude to me. " Maria, 35 years old
How does anger originate?
This is a symptom that indicates that our values are violated.
Anger, rage, anger and irritation show that we are not happy with something. Frustrated by the illness of the child or the fact that we cannot go on vacation with friends. We are angry at her husband in a fit of jealousy or experience envy. “Anger is present both in the experience of envy and in jealousy; it is a general affect of displeasure,” notes Irina Zemtseva. On the other hand, “this experience may be an expression of our disagreement with something, a marker of protest,” said Ekaterina Zhornyak.
How to recognize anger?
Anger prevents us from soberly looking at the situation.
We can recognize this emotion, but, as a rule, after we have done strange things in the state of affect, we have told stupid things to friends. A clouded mind, a bad mood - all these are the results of destructive anger.
How to deal with it?
Analyze what makes you angry.
It is worth considering that in this feeling of positive. “Anger is a sign that I do not agree with what is happening,” says Ekaterina Zhornyak. “Something valuable and important to me is being broken.”
The next step is to decide if you need anger? “We can maintain a weak version of anger as a reaction to injustice,” the psychotherapist continues. “But to moderate the power of emotions, because when a person is in affect, he cannot effectively defend his interests.” You won’t be able to avoid the explosion of emotions, but after understanding its cause, you can let go of the situation and try to defend your interests, which will cool our ardor.
Yoga helps to cope with negative emotions
“Our body is a powerful tool”
Ilya Dunaevsky, founder of the Kuala Yoga school: “You can cope with the manifestation of negative emotions by doing ... yoga. For example, exercises with which we work out coccyxcan be overcome envy and jealousy. Since this zone in the metaphors of yoga is responsible for control and power. And work withthe liver activates the release anger, aggression.
Any manifestation of negative emotions is in a sense a tool with which a person gets rid of energies. When we feel anger, hatred or envy, it means that we direct our energy down. As soon as we plunge into a state of meditation, we take responsibility for our internal state, enter a changed state of consciousness - this is a marker of the fact that our energy is directed upwards.
By nature, man is given a lot of power, which he learns to dispose of throughout his life. You can be angry, angry, jealous or envious, directing energy down. And you can, engaged in self-knowledge, your internal self-development, to lead energy up. The last scenario assumes that a person begins to feel more confident, calmer, he feels his inner strength.
The whole path of yoga is based on the fact that a person gradually begins to realize his inner nature and raise his energy up. The most powerful tool is the physical body. Initially, it was believed that the body was needed only in order not to interfere with the cognition of the own nature of the mind.
For this, the body must be stable, so that we can sit in the lotus position for many hours. Having learned to control our physical body in simple poses, we form a special state of consciousness - bodily trance. A person concentrates on his body here and now. So he learns to be in the moment.
In Buddhist and Hindu teachings, a state is described when a person holistically experiences the moment of being in reality. This is called Satori - the moment of enlightenment. Being in it, he can make an adequate decision. This is an important tool that allows us to build resistance to external negative factors. There is a deep evenness with which we adequately perceive what is happening. "